nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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