Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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