I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
