Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
