What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
