No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
worst night to have a conscience
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
