i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
