Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
