whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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