i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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