So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
