Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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