Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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