Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
