The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
