I met the friendliest cop last night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
