and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
