sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I forget how to act sober
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
