phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
