she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
