In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
