im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
