guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
