I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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