Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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