i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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