New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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