i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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