Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
