Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
