This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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