i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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