apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
