Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
