Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
