birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
