This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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