Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
