if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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