My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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