When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
