I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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