First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
