I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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