i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
