he puts the penis in happiness.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
