Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
