Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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