10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
