awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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